The Pitch: Two Puds And A Wedding
The Pitch: Two Puds And A Wedding challenge was for Matt and Sam to write out how they think the other would act when they would hypothetically be at their first friend wedding.
The morning of the wedding, Matt decides that he’s going to take it seriously. After all this is his best friend’s special day. Shoes shined to a mirror finish, pants and shirt ironed under the watchful eye of Eric, he’s looking and feeling sharp. There’s no tomfoolery. He’s so well behaved it’s disconcerting. Even when the mother of the bride has a slip of the tongue and refers to her daughter’s inability to eat legumes as a ‘penis allergy’ he lets it go. It’s weird.
Over the long stretch of afternoon between the ceremony and the reception, Matt stands his ground and sips responsibly at the groom’s wedding whiskey as everyone around him begins to devolve into that primate-like state that comes with the steady pounding back of booze over the course of many hours on a sunny Saturday. Ties are loosened, top buttons are undone and tongues are wagging. Still though, something has changed in Matt. Maybe it was seeing two people so in love that they barely noticed anybody else was even in the room. Maybe it’s just a sense of responsibility to one of his best friends to make sure her new life partner doesn’t try and have their first dance to a Venga Boys song as he helicopters with his cummerbund. At one stage he even pulls the groom aside and gets him to down dry toast and water. He likes the groom, but, he’s still not sure he deserves her. That’s not a conversation for today though, he tells himself.
Matt’s seat at dinner is a precarious one, there’s the drunk father of the bride on one side and the recently divorced Aunty Humpable on the other. They’re both more than a little jazzed up on champagne, romance and ohh-what-a-lovely-dress-ohol. But Matt knows that now is definitely not the time for an illicit dalliance or a brodown. He keeps it light and friendly, which the bride can’t help but appreciate. He makes an escape for the table full of his friends as soon he’s able to do so without looking rude. The bride can’t help but understand.
As the night winds down, Matt is standing outside, smoke rolling off his tongue. The groom stumbles out and in his best drunks English asks for a cigarette. Matt can’t shake the feeling that there’s something about this guy he doesn’t like, but hands over his pouch of Port Royal all the same. He watches with amusement as the newlywed fumblefucks his way through a roll. The groom barely manages to light his cigarette, takes a deep breath and turns to Matt, ‘Some choice meat in here tonight ey?’
Diary of a Rube
Friday 18 May
I cannot believe it’s verging on the middle of 2012. It seems like just yesterday I was shoving Christmas ham into my face wondering what possible worlds I could conquer. Now I find myself drinking red wine on an unlit deck at 2am, wondering what would happen if I laid eggs. One of my flatmates ended up bringing home a stray tonight. It left hair all over the couch.
Saturday 19 May
The day started well. We went to breakfast at a cafe named after a French painter. There’s not many ways to start a day that suit me more rightly than that. Apart from being elbow deep in a cow tugging on the arse end of a calf. Someone made me drink what they called a ‘V8 Special’. I later found it was just tomato juice and vodka. White spirits is not an ideal accompaniment to bacon and eggs. I know that now after drinking it, the day took a turn. I’m not sure which turn though, I was still drunk from breakfast.
Sunday 20 May
We snuggled up on the couch and watched An Officer and A Gentleman. It’s really weird seeing Richard Gere before he became known for Eliza Doolittling prostitutes on the regular. Today I also learned the phrase ‘on the regular’. I’m not sure what it means yet though. Something to do with petrol probably? I may have used it incorrectly earlier. I can’t imagine Mr. Gere gets many elocution lessons done if he’s constantly fiddling with his pump.
Missed Connections
The fact you were reading Buddenbrooks in my favourite cafe while I was two tables away reading Tonio Kröger means we should probably stop being pretentious in the same place at the same time. This is my yard, bitch. Switch to Jeffery Deaver or find a new place to drink coffee. Or marry me.
•
I was sitting at work staring idly out the window, billing hours under the heading ‘Research’. You were walking down the street, listening to something on your white Apple in-ear headphones. It was late Autumn but you persisted with a dress, smartly complemented with thick tights and a jacket. It was a Tuesday and I imagined that by Saturday I’d manage to have you in my room, drinking but not drunk, expounding on your belief in some sort of ‘balance in the universe’, and I’d be nodding along dutifully despite thinking that balance could also be called uninterrupted chaos. Then I realised you were probably listening to something like M83 and we’d never actually get along…have you met Jono?
•
A bottle of vodka and half a bottle of red wine in you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I also didn’t have my glasses on, but, that’s fine. Let’s meet at the same place at the same time in the same state and wake up with some shared regrets.
The Many Kinds Of Girls You’ll Never Date - Pt. 17: The Study Partner
Oh dear. Look at you. Smitten with the girl across the table. All that separates you and her skin—the pale soft skin barely masking her veins, a diaphanous cloak—are two stacks of Political Science textbooks, all written by guys named Dale and a mountain of highlighters, ruled pads and some one-sided sexual tension. She, my boy, is your study partner, and you are a flunkey.
You did an accidental flirt on your first day and she was polite back to you. Now you’re in the peer-zone; it’s not quite the friend-zone, but it’s close. Think of it as practice for your first real-world professional relationship with a member of the opposite sex. You’re so tightly bound by the social contract you’re going Yves-Klein blue. But the heart is dumb and your brain is sort of dumb too, so you’re going to end up writing out her name in cursive sub-consciously anyway.
So how do you play this one? Engineer a reach for your shared copy of The Elements of Style at the same time? Probably not, all that will do is make you blush and apologise like a middle-aged man that’s just run over a small child’s toy. Half-heartedy. Offer to do her homework? No. You’re going to be that 15 year old boy, hoping to do the Fibonacci sequence on a pretty girl by doing all her homework during your break period. Leave that Pud in the past. Throw caution into the wind, tear off your shirt and kiss her passionately in front of a big fan that blows your hair back, making you look like Fabio on a roller-coaster moments before being hit in the face with a bird? I don’t think so. Unfortunately, you’ve kind of screwed the pooch on this one Wolfman.
But keep that nerd-chin up. You’ve just made a connection with another human being—one you find attractive and you’re going to manage your expectations—like an adult person would—and perhaps make a close friend…
…god you want to fuck them though.
~
Click here to read The Record Store Girl
Tips for the Unemployed
Times are tough right now, even people with meaningful degrees in important subjects like Fine Art and Creative Writing are struggling. If that sounds like you, then remember, it’s important to stay positive! If you’re unemployed, don’t waste your day looking for work. All that’s going to end in is disappointment. Be smart about your time, like this:
Clean The Refrigerator
Hey, you know how sometimes you’re putting that box of cheap South Korean beers in the fridge at lunchtime on a Wednesday—if you’re unemployed that’s when the weekend starts—and notice that your Westinghouse smells like a room full of teenage boys? You do? Good. That means you have something to do today. Cleaning the fridge seems like it’s going to be a total pain. It is. Unfortunately you’re going to have to do it, just in case that girl you stopped seeing nearly a year ago who still texts you occasionally drops around with a bottle of wine. But you need to do it. Nothing turns a girl off faster than a quagmire of rotting vegetables in the crisper.
Work Out
Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you have to spend your sad lonely day in the apartment watching Dr. Oz while you cram uncooked Mi-Goreng noodle cakes into your face. You can do that—sometimes you should for humility—but you’re much better off getting up and doing some good old fashioned exercise. I hear you ask, ‘Don’t I need fancy equipment and a personal trainer?’. No. All you need is your body and the realisation that no-one is ever going to be able to love you unless you’re physically fit. Making an effort-induced noise when you get out of a chair isn’t appropriate for a 24 year old.
Go Into a T-hole
Ever done ketamine? Well neither have I. I’m scared of anything made for horses, which, amongst other reasons, is why you’ll never find me wearing a leather saddle. If you take too much ketamine, you end up in a K-hole. Essentially you disassociate your mind from your body, suffer memory loss and have vivid hallucinations. There’s a really easy way to get these same fun effects without having to meet a guy named Dave in a dark alley. Just spend all day on Tumblr looking at the impossibly large amounts of tacky shit people post in an attempt to synthesize a personality. You’re head will be rolling around on your neck in no time.
Take Up a New Hobby
Your pent-up physical energy is sorted out, your fridge is clean and you’ve developed a serious addiction. Now you’re going to need something to do when you’re between reps, meals or fixes. Personally I’ve taken to practicing my ability to Hot Dog. If you’re not familiar with Hot Dogging, it’s a new low impact sport. To play Hot Dog you’re going to need your slowly putrefying body, a comfortable surface (beds are great for this) and a blanket big enough to wrap around you at least once. Get comfortable, wrap yourself in the blanket and voila, you’re playing Hot Dog. The aim of the game is to be a Hot Dog for as long as you can. We recommend beginner Hot Dogs start their training in winter.
Appendix
Useful strategies for coping with unemployment boredom: crying, contemplating selling out and going back to Facebook to remind people you exist, masturbation, picking at open wounds, crying, thinking about past relationships, crying, baking, perfecting the medium-rare steak and crying.
Age Rage
At 17:
Jesus, that guy is 24? That’s so old, he must have done a lot in his life.
At 24:
Holy shit that guy is only 17 and he’s done more with his life than me.
Art School Award Acceptance Speech
Wow. It’s…it’s just such an honour. I never in my wildest dreams thought that something as pointless as a degree in Fine Arts could be made more trivial. However once again this institution stands proudly against the winds of good sense as it applies Maybelline to a prize sow and hands me a certificate printed on 160gsm parchment-style paper.
First I’d like to thank God, specifically the God whose face belongs to the nose John Baldessari painted. It may be something of a goof to be thanking God in a room full of cynical 20-something art school graduates. But I’m sure at least half of you are going to have some stupid sentence like ‘I’m spiritual in my own way’ tucked in your back pocket for a red wine fueled 3am conversation.
Next I’d like to thank all the pretty art school girls. Without you I probably would have come to class way less than I already did. I’m sure most of you will never make good art, but you’re very likely to succeed anyway. Just marry into money. I’m not saying you won’t make good art because you’re a girl, or because you’re pretty. I’m saying it because maybe 1% of working artists make good art. You’re not likely to be one of them. Neither am I…so…there’s that?
To all the handsome art school guys. Most of you were total dudes. Thanks for making me feel as welcome as you can make an Australian dirt-farmer feel in a respected art school. You’re all much smarter than I am though, so it was intimidating being around you. It would be cool to hang out sometime though so I can sponge up some of your smart. Even if you don’t end up making good art—you probably won’t—I think you’ll be fine if you marry into money.
Thank you to all my teachers, who were so patient with me never showing up to class, barely having work to show and being deliberately obtuse whenever I spoke. I’m sure it was annoying, but if I can’t do verbal gymnastics in art school, when can I? You gave me decent marks, which I don’t really understand, but I’ll take them anyway. It doesn’t make my degree any more marketable, but it does make my parents much happier.
Finally to all my friends. Sorry for when I was grumpy or too busy smoking pot and watching Time Trumpet under the guise of “doing uni work” to hang out with you. It was the “stresses of higher education” or something (like laziness).
Also, please, help me marry into money so I can be an artist.
Thank you.
Diary of a Rube
Friday 4th May
The flat’s favourite bar was open again. Our favourite bar manager was working too. He looked grumpy though. I asked if he wanted to go out the back with me, kneel and accept the body of Christ. Based on his facial expression he took it the wrong way. I felt like a real Judas, without the Priest. I found out I won an award for doing art at school. I’m hoping it’s either for Colouring In The Lines or Not Eating Craft Glue.
Saturday 5th May
Did a solid days work and celebrated with a solid nights partying. I say partying. Most of it was sitting down quietly drinking my beer, not slapping women on the forehead. Shut up diary. You weren’t there. I don’t remember much, but I know I wrote a witty political statement on a girl who was dressed as the Berlin Wall. At least I think she was dressed as the Berlin Wall. Maybe I just don’t understand fashion.
Sunday 6th May
I found out that my ‘guts of steel’ aren’t impervious to everything. After a mix kebab, potato nuggets and a Choc Bar (by the way Tip Top, stop using shitty ice-cream in Choc Bars) I needed to lie down for a little while before I could even contemplate not cleaning the house. I’m starting to wonder if I should just toss all this highfalutin gourmet food rubbish in and go back to white bread dipped in tepid tap water.
Monday 7th May
Today I ate a Monday Night Special. Coco Pops, Nutri Grain, ice cream and milk. That’s all you need to know.
Wednesday 9th May
Digestive system still punishing me for the Monday Night Special. Dairy is not my friend.
Sam And Matt Have Pizza For Dinner
Matt
are you at home?
Sam
nine
Matt
NINE HOMES?
when you get home (if you get home before me) can you take the chicken out of the freezer for pizza tonight? or do you think it wont defrost in time
Sam
i don’t think it would defrost in time, but, we do have a microwave.
and a sense of adventure.
Matt
hmmm
maybe leave it
we got HAM
Sam
true
i wrapped mine in alfoil so it looks like space ham
it still tastes like normal ham though
Matt
now i’m just thinking of space jam
Sam
goes really good with space toast
coast to coast
Matt
i wonder if Warner Brothers utilised that pun in the collateral and promotion for Space Jam.
like, they made jam
and called it space jam
even though it was normal jam
but it was still cosmic
because of all the acid
writing my train of thoughts is fun
for me
not
for you
because
you just keep getting pop up windows
shame
log off chat
I DARE YOU
Sam
nah
i don’t get pop ups in iChat
it’s just like having msn messenger but waaaaaaay less cool because i can’t random 15 year old hotties
Matt
there’s no u in ichat sam
this isn’t uChat
this isn’t TVNZUChat
Sam
i basically AM iChat
Matt
no
you’re quiet
iChat
uDontChat
Sam
iSilent
haha
iSulk
Matt
uFrump
iShout
iBrat
Sam
Wanna go shoot some floops?
Matt
HA
Sam
flurps?
HOW DO YOU SPELL MY NOISE
Matt
flurp
i think
Sam
yeah, makes sense.
Matt
it does
it really does
Sam
Brat & Flurp, total kids cartoon
Matt
Bratimus Maxiumus and Flurpy Flooperson
Sam
hahaha
Matt
“SAM CHECK THIS OUT!”
“no”
“SAM COME SHOUT WITH ME!”
“um”
“no”
“thank you”
Sam
if i could turtle into my clothing i would.
busy day?
or just bored now
Matt
bored now
Sam
time to take up macrame
Matt
that sounds macraMAZING
