The Pud Quiz: For Teenagers
If there’s one thing we all know, it’s how much of a drag being a teenager is. Hair in new places, blood in new places, boners every 10 minutes… being a teenager sure is the pits, right? Especially when it comes to relationships. So…
PUD QUIZ, HOTSHOT!
Here’s a handy little quiz for all those teenagers out there that are struggling through these really important relationship times that you’re sure will last forever like something out of a fucking movie.
Help! My boyfriend wants me to go to third base, and I’m not sure if that means kissing with my tongue, touching my boob or give him head! What do I do?
Matt says: If you really like him, you should let him do what he wants. Has he said he loves you? If you’ve seen Breakfast At Tiffany’s, then you’ll know that when a man says he loves you that makes you his property. In fact, watch Grease while you’re at it. You should probably change everything about yourself to become exactly what your man wants. Also, third base means a lot of things. In France it’s sex. A home run is anal. Are you French?
Sam says: If you’re not sure what third base means, I’d recommend sitting down with your father (or an uncle) and asking them to explain the rules of baseball to you. Once they’ve done that ask them what a sex is. It seems pretty clear to me that you don’t know shit about shit and unless you start educating yourself you’re going to end up copping a foul ball in the mouth sooner rather than later.
My girlfriend has had sex with three guys and I’m still a virgin. She’s ready to do body kisses but I’m a bit nervous. How do I make sure I do a good job?
Matt says: Face facts, young man. It’s your first time. You are going to be horrible and last all of three seconds. Just don’t cry.
Sam says: Shower, shave, masturbate furiously in the days leading up to the big event and for Morgan Freeman’s sake learn how to eat Whiskas.
Johnny football hero is dating Cindy and he’s probably taking her to the prom, but he was also giving me these loving eyes and I’m sure I was peering into his soul. Do you think I should ask him to go to the prom with me?
Matt says: Are you the lyrics to a Nada Surf song?
Sam says: Obviously. Do it in front of Cindy too. That way you’re going to look like a total badass. Why not go the whole hog and put a cigarette out on her?
How do I know if I’m ready to go all the way?
Matt says: If you’re a girl… shit, I don’t know. When you’re in love? No, that’ll get you your heart broke. Ask your sister. If you’re a dude, then it’s probably when you first know that you like the feeling of an orgasm. My first sexual experience was at the age of three at kindergarten. I’m not saying I knew what I was doing or that I was any good, but the teacher, Miss Morton, did give me three gold stars.
Sam says: When you’ve managed to reconcile your soul with the fact that your parents fuck.
What’s the best way to take a girl out for the third date? We’ve already been to the park and to the movies, I don’t know what to do next!
Matt says: House party! Wait, are you old enough to drink? No? Then you’ll be like a badass when you do drink. Take one of these [gestures giving you a condom] and call me in the morning. I’ll pick you up from the party when you fall asleep from getting too drunk, and you can tell me all about how it turns out the girl didn’t even like you and she fucked your best friend.
Sam says: Be original. See if she wants to go into an abandoned building at night. Don’t forget to take a duffel bag full of snacks!
I’ve had a crush on this girl for over a year and she’s one of my best friends, but my guy friends tell me that they think that I’m in the friend zone, except I think I’m just biding my time, except she dates other guys, except I nearly tried to make a move, except I didn’t really, except we’re going to the movies this weekend… should I make a move?
Matt says: Friend zone! Ha. Shame. Been there. Sucks. Still though. Shame.
Sam says: You have two options. You can give up and consider yourself lucky to have a female friend who can probably help you get laid at least once, more if she’s cool. Or you can text message her constantly and consistently, at least once an hour for every hour that you’re awake. Set an alarm so you can get up at 3am and send a text then too. Honestly, girls love it.
Can you get AIDS from having sex with a girl on her period?
Matt says: Only if you don’t wear a condom and have an open wound on your cock.
Sam says: You can get AIDS from not inviting me to your sweet teenager parties, if you get where I’m coming from…and in to.
