The Pitch: Pud Dating
Matt’s preparations for the date start about three hours before the agreed upon time. With 180 minutes on the clock, Matt starts basic mental preparations. Running through positive mantras i.e. ‘You know the guy who walks into a room and all the chicks dig? I am that guy,’ and, ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of.’ He paces up and down the hallway while he does so, thankful that he has the house to himself. After 30 minutes of laying the psychological groundwork on which the Synagogue of Suave will be built, Matt cracks the first of what he likes to call ‘Daddy’s Special Energy Drink’, but the rest of us call a Woodstock. As he sips his Woodstock slowly, wanting to loosen the lips without fucking the faculties, he decides to watch something to help him relax, to give himself a 30–40 minutes break from the Worst Case Scenarios playing out in his head. He opens Venture Bros. Season 2 and slides the DVD into his laptop with an it-looks-like-the-DVD-is-sexing-my-laptop giggle.
An hour and a half later and Matt’s burned through four episodes of Venture Bros without realising it. His leisurely three hour preparation is now a one hour panic. His mantra has been replaced by the voice of Henchman 24 talking about whether or not the Smurfs lay eggs. Worst of all, the Woodstock he opened might as well have been a cup of green tea for all the buzz he has going on. He makes haste towards the fridge, grabs another Woodstock and takes it into the bathroom for shower hydration. He can’t tell if the butterflies in his stomach are from nerves or the combination of steaming hot water and ice cold Woodstock. He steps out of the shower and checks himself in the mirror, lest he wrecks himself. As usual, the dude’s looking good. Panic sets in when it hits him that he has to find something to wear. His fretting is subdued when he remembers that he’s just washed his Marvel t-shirt. The perfect anchor piece for a casual coffee date outfit.
His chest stuck out with a mixture of concocted confidence and comic book pride, Matt pops his headphones in and makes his way to the bus. Nicki Minaj’s Stupid Hoe plays on repeat for the entire journey. He arrives five minutes early, enough time for a calming cigarette, which he is stubbing out as his sweetheart arrives. He’d almost forgotten that he was there for a date and as his opposite number approaches the table he’s relaxed and ready to riff. Oh and just the teensy-weensiest bit drunk.
The fact he didn’t have enough time to work himself back into the strange panic that over takes any reasonable human being on a first date works in his favour. He makes a solid joke about Nicholas Cage, listens attentively to stories about people he doesn’t know and bites his tongue when he finds out that his date’s favourite band is AC/DC. It even ends in a surreptitious goodbye kiss.
I just wish he would have asked me before he went on a date with my Mum.
