February 2012
86 posts
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that Chris Pratt is married to Anna Faris.
When the inevitable Hollywood Divorce Monster comes knocking at their door, I’m gonna be there for Pratt, and not for the recently divorced, easily attainable, broken-hearted hot girl.
Because that’s how cool he is.
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If Your Dream Girl Is
Michelle Williams You like art school girls with daddy issues that are probably a bit unfounded. You like the chase, you like to be messed with a little bit. You like the attainable unattainable. You might get there in the end, but she’s not the one. You’re just not arty/junkie enough.
Megan Fox You are 12.
Rachel Weisz You are into literature in a big way. You are also into Stephen Fry, Alan...
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Puds & Poetry
I miss you I wish I knew you better Now I do Go away
Your friends use fancy words But not in real life If they did, I’d headbutt them As a metaphor for my fists
Keep your fancy words They’re dumb as hell anyways Analogies are my bag It’s sad they’re what I’m best at
I grew up And wow, It sucked Take me back to stupidity
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A Two Year Old in a Human Suit
When you’re a toddler, things are great. Colours and shapes are endlessly amusing, you don’t have to stop what you’re doing to take a poop and you have no sense of shame. Then one day you wake up and you’re still a toddler mentally, but you’re 15 everywhere else.
You have to try and learn to drive this big, awkward, oily bag of meat around and it’s not easy....
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Today I Learned
Today I Learned that some girls think it’s interesting to say that they like cats, kittens, dogs or puppies.
This just in – we know you do.
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Celebrity Slang
Gosling To bat away all the cooze coming your way (e.g. that dude’s just Gosling his way through all that.)
Schneidering Taking advantage of all of the cooze your friend is Gosling away / riding someone else’s gravy train (e.g. that dude’s Schneidering all that Goslinged cooze.)
Lorreing Living you life by the mantra that quantity is always better than quality (e.g. geeks are kinda funny, sex...
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Puds & Poetry
Four Three-liners
Mixing forty-one years between two sets of chests Dressing Jezebels Wishing wells are taking all my money while I’m wishing you well
Vacancy in the mirror, pleading it not to be so smart “Reflection isn’t personal” Water based toddler art covers the base of my walls, and I did it all
Flailing hands in happening tea parties, niceties and nasty hydration Pouring a cup of...
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Things I’ve Learned Since Seeing New Order Live
New Order isn’t that band with the guy who has spikey blonde hair
New Order isn’t a type of fast food delivery system
Every person over 40 dances to New Order the exact same way
Every person under 25 knows roughly 5 New Order songs
Pink is not in New Order
Nicki Minaj should be in New Order
The people in New Order have more stamina than I give them credit for
I feel much more confident...
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Diary of a Rube
February 24, 2012 After work I met up with a friend and walked back to his house with him. It’s not like he needs the protection but I’m always a little bit worried when my friends walk alone through a suburb like Grey Lynn. I’ve seen a lot of white kids on BMX bikes on those streets. I don’t mean to be racist, but I just don’t trust them. When we got to his place,...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that I should change my last name to Wellington.
And my first name to Beef.
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Dating Wellington
A hypothetical one-act play in dialogue form, starring Matt and Sam.
Matt: Hey Sam, remember when [a mutual friend of The Puds] said that you looked really nice, but she didn’t want to date you?
Sam: Yeah. It was the nicest backhanded compliment I’ve ever had.
Matt: And you’ve had a few.
Sam: Yes. Yes I have.
Matt: Well, I was just on Facebook, and she said that she wants Wellington to date...
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Saturday Night
A short story about acknowledging your escapism, starring Adam.
Last night was better. She was here last night. She came to meet me. She came out to come and see me. I think. Yeah, sure she did. That’s why she came out.
But why isn’t she out tonight then? Maybe she came out to see someone else. Maybe she came out just to come out. Maybe she just wanted to have some fun. I’m probably reading into...
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Puds & Poetry
Sorry, Younger Me
Been inside a weathered me with only lessons lost like in detention Excused so inexplicably, what happened as the mirror gets a question No fireman, no policeman, no doctor, a crock of shit spaceman reflection As this me starts to wonder will these words ever reach someone else
A twinkle in his eye, but it’s a light caused by a crystal-gazed refraction A Friday comes, a weekend...
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Saturday Night
A short story about acknowledging your escapism, starring Darren.
So this is what my night has resorted to. Drinking a leftover frozen coke I got three hours ago. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s tasty. It hits the spot. It fills that gap that’s there. That gap that surprisingly I thought company would fill, but it ends up that a plastic cup filled with frozen brown tinted sugar fills that gap...
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Hey, Girl
Hey Girl,
Thanks for making an effort to talk to me last night. I did notice and I do appreciate it. In fact I thought you were really cute. I enjoyed that brief period where I held your hand and dragged you on to the dance floor for some song I don’t even know. You’re a good sport. Here’s the thing. As soon as that other dude started getting fresh I kind of stopped giving a...
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Saturday Night
A short story about acknowledging your escapism, starring Adam.
Ugh. Why did Tessa bring me out tonight.
I was far happier at home. Watching Friends. Yeah, I know Ross and Rachel get together at the end. It’s the journey that I enjoy. When it comes to escaping real life, at least.
I already had my bourbon. I didn’t need to buy drinks. Maybe I should though. Maybe that would make me feel better....
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Friday Quotes
Sometimes people just say some great stuff.
“I’m gonna have to pause you man - there’s a girl walking down the street who wants to fuck me.”
“Let me stop you there. I don’t give a fuck about your new iPad. I never will.”
“Predictive txt is like having a really, really controlling girlfriend.”
“If I’m gay then you’re...
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Puds & Poetry
Creaming on the inside of some stove pipe jeans Stockings and skirts reaching for the floor Getting the hint from watching High Fidelity Jealous of the obsessive-compulsive top five lists
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The Pud Quiz: For Teenagers
If there’s one thing we all know, it’s how much of a drag being a teenager is. Hair in new places, blood in new places, boners every 10 minutes… being a teenager sure is the pits, right? Especially when it comes to relationships. So…
PUD QUIZ, HOTSHOT!
Here’s a handy little quiz for all those teenagers out there that are struggling through these really important relationship times...
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Puds & Poetry
Coarse tongues find licks on a windowsill. “Appalling!” They cry, “What salivates on this bench looking out to a field? “What wishes that it were on the reverse of this pane?” Grass beckons greener, but tricks the tongues. “Why lick, when rustic tastes are only found?” While the noses smell roses, but retaliate in disgust. “Fuck those petals,” they scream, “Fuck those stems, fuck those thorns....
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As Opposed To
Things That Work Better On Paper As Opposed To In Real Life
Writing letters to someone
Alliteration
Origami
Noughts and Crosses / Tic Tac Toe
Making lists
Confessing your love
Things That Work Better In Real Life As Opposed To On Paper
Breaking up with someone
Rhyming
Oralgami
Kisses and hugs
Making fists
Confessing a crime
Let's Rap
Talk to us on tweetums. We want to be friends with you. Or we could get into a Twitter war, whatever.
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Puds & Poetry
This Guy
Might you just kiss the sky Wonder why With wonderment wandering away With allegories telling your tale With no one speaking your frail name You’d be neurotic if you weren’t insane You’d be a mountain if you weren’t so plane You’d be decisive if you weren’t so lame You’d be derailed if you weren’t a train You’d be confused of how you’re playing Reluctantly vain
Might you just kiss the...
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Some Of The Many Lies I’ve Told
Where I Work I don’t actually work at a country club for rich people on the moon, cleaning their space golf courses. Anymore.
Who I’m Friends With I’m not actually besties with Leonardo DiCaprio. We fell out after I wouldn’t give him some cocaine.
That I Can Rock A Fedora I don’t actually wear any kind of head gear apart from top hats made out of rabbit intestines.
That I’m In A Band I’m...
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Puds & Poetry
I never want to grow up, death by some amusing abstract reference Tofu made me throw up one time when I was drunk and I ate it The very best thing about bunks is being on the top bed One time when I over thunk, I’m pretty sure I was dead
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Rube In The City
February 18, 2012
Another weird one today. A girl on the street told me I looked stupid. I’m still not sure what it is about the city that gives people the kind of confidence to insult strangers. Nor what makes them think cowboy boots, jean shorts and a denim shirt look stupid. I suppose it’s one of those odd cultural differences that arises from the parochiality of what’s...
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Today I learned
Today I learned there are certain types of cunts that like finger food.
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Gum Stunner - An Introduction To Some Pud Prose
One of my favourite writers is Garth Ennis. He writes violent, he writes mean, and he writes offensively. And I love it.
It’s probably a fairly obvious thing to say, but any form of anyone’s creativity will be influenced in one way or another by their favourite ideators.
I got hooked on the idea of Gum Stunner when it came to me. What started off as a bunch of misfits with cool denim jackets and...
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Gum Stunner: Chapter 1
How it started
I’ve got to give it to Biff. He knows people. More importantly, he knows how to read them. He’s a great judge of character who knows a sucker when he sees one. For an ex-junkie who’s lost everything, he’s still got confidence. Then again, no confidence means no scam, so he needs it. There he is now, walking out of a jewellery store with God knows how much cash when he walked in with...
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Puds & Poetry
Aware the feeling is unreasonable The feeling is far from mutual, at best The making of something beautiful to someone else Is not something to claim It’s something I’ll keep to myself
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that ‘separating your whites and your coloureds’ is a laundry tip, not a way to run a country.
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Today I Was
Today I was sitting on the dock of bay wasting time and not getting the joke.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that if you don’t want to be seen when you’re hanging out on K Road, hiding in plaid sight is just as effective as hiding in plain sight.
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Things I Thought Justin Lin Was Before Two Weeks...
An energy drink
A brand of roller-skates
A math guy
A meme
A type of concrete
A cactus
A type of smoking paraphernalia
A series of Toyota cars
A friend of a friend who was really popular
A kitten people liked
A shoe
A district attorney
Coffee
A brother/sister band
The new addition to the Pitt-Jolie clan
A reference to a videogame I haven’t played
A violinist
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Feeling Down?
Get high!
***This message was brought to you by a bad case of the Mondays***
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that my flat is on the route for an ice-cream truck.
Best hungover Sunday ever.
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Casting Call: The Venture Bros.
Some time ago the Puds did a casting call for one of their favourite cartoons ever made. The Venture Bros. is one of the greatest animated shows to ever air - no two ways about that. As much as we don’t really want a live adaptation of the series, it’s still fun to imagine who would suit who if it was ever to come to life. Literally.
Hank Venture
Matt thinks – Michael Cera I can’t...
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Celebrity Phobias
Magnuphobia - fear of Tom Selleck
Boomophobia - fear of Michael Bay
Typecastaphobia - fear of Matt Le Blanc
Foreheadaphobia - fear of Christina Ricci
Quirkaphobia - fear of Zooey Deschanel
Onetrickponaphobia - fear of Rhys Darby
Hourglassaphobia - fear of Christina Hendricks
Biceplaphobia - fear of Madonna
Howdyphobia - fear of John Wayne
Frumpaphobia - fear of Maggie Gyllenhaal
...
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Friday Quotes
Sometimes people just say some great stuff.
“I would never hit a girl, but believe me when I say I have no problem with smacking a bitch.”
“Punk’s not punk any more. It’s more like goth girls who like Zooey Deschanel.”
“I was thinking about buying a ticket to Evanescence. Then I shot myself in the head, came back as a Zombie, buried my own grave and...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that the iPhone camera adds ten pounds to my nose.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that of all the things not to do on the first day of your new job, accidentally deleting a website is the top one.
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Creepy, Brutal Honesty From The Puds
“Sure, you can call cute the new porn, but if you start flicking the bean to pictures of kittens you’ve crossed some kind of line.”
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that boobs are a touchy subject. But masturbation is even more so.
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WatchMatt asks the chicken why.
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WatchSam gets a facial.
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