December 2011
60 posts
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that my apartment can fit up to 7 guests in it relatively comfortably, but I do need more wine glasses.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that Matt can hypnotize me into writing a post about learning that Matt can hypnotize me into writing a post about learning that Matt can hypnotize me into writing a post about learning that Matt can hypnotize me…
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that you should never underestimate the filling potential of polenta.
I’m going to go lie down for 12-16 hours.
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Stitches For Y'alls Sitches, Bitches
I know what it’s like to be a 16 year old girl. I’m a 24 year old man.
There’s a lot of overlap in the Venn diagram of those demographic’s
problems. Here’s some common situations you girls might find
yourselves in and my advice regarding the best way to deal with them,
based on my many years of wisdom and life experience.
Sitch 1
Sitch: Your boyfriend goes away on...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that I’m way too old to understand what a Skrillex is. The closest I’ve come to a definition is as follows:
Skrillex (Wampwampwamp Paradisaeidae) noun A large species from the bird-of-paradise family. A Skrillex’s mating ritual involves generating a lot of inconsequential noise by mimicking the call of the Common European Rave Vulture (a species in decline since...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that nature is a total arse. While sitting in my folk’s backyard watching a tui drink nectar from a flax bush I was bitten on the foot by a white-tailed spider.
Fuck you Gaia, you giveth and you taketh away.
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The Brokenhearted Voyeur
The quiet voyeur from afar
Patiently he rests his mar
“Not tonight” his conscience said
But loneliness completes his bed
The voyeur whispers “just one look”
To see what form his lover took
The curtains break, the light shines through
His eyes now goggles, his thoughts now true
Sixth level up, third window right
To where his gaze rests every night
A candle whimpers past its burn
With red and orange...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that teenagers are back into the rave scene.
I was hanging with friend K, and she was telling me about this new German rave scene thing that’s post-new-wave-rave-irony bla bla bla.
Can we just agree that irony is an old term and should be left in the past along with Barack, Silvio, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros and other things that we can officially say are...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned it’s really easy to pretend to be Sam on the internet.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that manners get you everywhere except where you want to go.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that Everybody Poops and nobody gives a shit.
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Haikus For The Modern Lover Pt. 4
Those cat pictures you
post on Tumblr turn me on.
Yes, I have issues
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Sorry I stretched out
your favourite underpants.
I’ll buy us some more
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Did you know that the
octopus can shapeshift and
solve puzzles? Let’s hump
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There’s only so much
a man can take. My limit?
Six to eight inches
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I didn’t mean to
call you a selfish bitch dear.
You’re...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that getting drunk with your parents on Christmas Eve is a lot like reading an old Woman’s Weekly at the doctor’s office. You’re going to find out things you didn’t need or want to know.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that my grandmother’s verb for using Facebook is ‘friendlybooking’.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that getting off a leather couch too quickly on a hot summer day is a cheap way of waxing your legs.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that Bobby Day’s song ‘Little Bitty Pretty One’ is about a child, not a crush.
I guess I just automatically thought that since it’s some swingin’ Bobby Day track that the song was about some foxy lady. Once I listened to the lyrics properly for once I realised that it’s not.
Or at least, I hope it’s not.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that you don’t have to be an old man to think that certain young cousins of yours who are only 12 to 14 years old are too young to be dressing like they’re 18-year-old girls having their first night out on the town and subsequently end up partying at the viaduct.
I also learned that I feel like a hypocrite for telling a certain 14-year-old cousin of mine that smoking is bad, but...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that if you want to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, you should not get drunk then play Batman: Arkham City.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that arrogantly volunteering to make the Baked Caramel Cheesecake for Christmas lunch the next day is a really good way to set yourself up for failure.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that some of my friends find my puns irritating.
I think that’s a rash judgement.
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Today I Learned
There must be a Matt Monk voice doppelganger out there because my Nana just text me and asked if she heard me on 1ZB.
I did not call up ZB and talk about taxes or roads or children’s hospitals or whatever, but Nana wasn’t buying it. She was pretty sure it was me.
So today I learned one of the following: either a) I have a voice doppelganger who apparently has the name Matt as well,...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that reading a book on the bus is extraordinarily difficult when one of the dodgy old windows is making a sound like metal balls slapping against a steel ass. So I guess I also learned what it sounds like when robots fuck.
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Haikus For The Modern Lover Pt. 3
When you said goodbye
I nearly cried. But then I
remembered you suck
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Spent hours in your bed
watching you sleep. Oh shit.
This isn’t my house.
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You’re nothing like
my last girlfriend. She didn’t
have a big ole penis
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Check, check one, check two
check check, check one, check. Could you
ever love a roadie?
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I enjoy Proust, Plath,
Kundera, Camus, Carver...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that you can take the boy out of the country, but you’re going to end up on some kind of Most Wanted list if you do.
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Today I Learned
American and Scottish ants bickering with each other, God saying that the American ants should love their neighbour ants and a needlessly long credit sequence, followed by some total closet gay dudes overacting worse than Miley Cyrus on a television show that looks like it was shot on the very first HandyCam ever made.
ShineTV, you blow my fucking mind. It was fun for that half hour. I really...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that when somebody says “mm” at the end of a text, what they’re really trying to say is “eh?” or “aye?” or “ah?” or “huh?”.
I find it a little weird, and needlessly confusing. But then again I’m not a 20-year-old trying to bone a 19-year-old. My, how the courting lingo has changed in these short few years.
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that the lunch bars in industrial areas serve two kinds of food, deep fried and deeper fried.
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We now cross live to the 10am sailing from Waiheke...
This is a play by play of what happened to me on the boat one morning, in real time.
- A minute ago, the boat slowed down after about 10 minutes into the journey. It was just a brief drop in acceleration, but everyone suddenly popped their heads up and looked around, wondering what the problem is. It reminded me of an audience watching tennis, and how you see their heads look right, left, right,...
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Haikus for the Waihekean on the boat
Youths are on the boat
Sexual tension is strong
Not from me, silly
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They touch each other
Playfully, but flirty too
Does that change with age?
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Some of them quiet
Some of them extremely loud
Some, introverted
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Seventeen-year-olds
Maybe sixteen, whatever
They’re all immature
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They’re taking photos
And singing Katy Perry
They’re all quite skinny
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There is no acne
Surely they are the cool...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that the difference between loving your job and hating your job is your capacity for self-deception.
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Unpopular Alternative Sports
Tiger choking
Chili sauce nude wrestling
High altitude goat herding
Michael J. Fox hunting
Bungee crumping
DIY sky diving
Mixed marital arts
Funeralboarding
Jet-sky jai alai
Sisyphean boulder rolling
Upside-down tennis
Velcro marathon
Competitive diarrhea
Power stalking
Syphilis bingo
Auto Immune Deficiency Slalom
Baby buttering
Caber retrieving
Cross-country child minding
...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that KFC are selling Virgin Mojitos. I suppose a cocktail without any alcohol in it is an appropriate way to wash down food without any dignity in it.
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Haikus For The Modern Lover Pt. 2
Have I ever told
you how much I love you when
you are not talking
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When I said I was
going out for cigarettes
I wasn’t lying
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But I ran into
an old flame, and she looked great.
You can have the kids
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A dinner party
with your dumb friends from high school?
I’m drinking spirits
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I’m sorry that I
turned on the TV while you were
mourning for your Dad
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But I’ll feel...
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A While Ago I Learned: Featuring Joe
a while ago i learned that my friend Joe doesn’t like the David Lynch album Crazy Clown Time.
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Joe Locke
why is everyone afraid to call this record a pile o’ shit
***[in reference to the David Lynch album Crazy Clown Time - links and names of reviewers have been taken out as not to hurt anyone’s feewings.]***
Matt Monk
because it’s not cool to not like anything david lynch does.
duh.
Joe...
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Today I Learned
Today I learned that no matter how many cashews you get in your handful of mixed nuts, it’s not going to bring Kim Jong-il back. We’ll miss you buddy.
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Today I Learned
today i learned that some people really don’t care what other people think of them.
i was having my final smoke and coffee outside work before i go on holiday. there’s an Asian massage place on the same street. THAT kind of massage place.
this dude came up to me and asked if i knew where “the massage is”, and i was kind of stumped. his forwardness threw me. i told him it was “just down there”,...
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Today We Learned: Kim Jong-il Died
Matt Monk
I think fullers ferries must have a bit of a perv in HR or management because all of the girls that work on board look similar so I’m guessing that if it’s a guy doing the hiring, he has a type.
although it could always be a perv lesbian. I don’t want to double strike out with the feminists when I say that I think a man is in management and that women can’t be perverts.
got a cool...
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2012 Blockbuster Previews
Space Jerk
Danny McBride plays his one character, but in space. I can hear some of you cringing at the thought, but it will be great. His one character is still funny I think? It’s also a scientific fact that dick jokes in space are funnier than they are on Earth. It has something to do with electro-magnetic fields. There’ll probably be jokes about weed too. At least Andy Daly might be in it,...
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